Losing Control
by Doomed-Kelpie
Summary: He didn't want to keep doing it. He wanted to stop. But he couldn't. Merlin is losing control. (TRIGGER WARNINGS: SELF-HARM)


**Losing Control**

 _Hello, everyone. It's been a while since I've written a Merlin fic, and this idea popped into my head. So, I decided to actually write it._

 _(TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM)_

XXX

Merlin stared down at his arms. The warlock's crimson blood was pouring out of the gashes going across them. He knew that he had cut too deep. It wasn't on purpose, but Merlin couldn't stop himself once he started. As soon as he brought the blade to his wrist, his terrible thoughts kept swirling faster and faster through his brain. He couldn't stop. Now, he was getting dizzy. As he started to fade into unconsciousness, he could just barely hear Gaius moving about in the other room.

" _I'm sorry, Gaius…,"_ he thought.

XXX

"Merlin!" the physician called. "It's time to eat!"

He was answered by silence.

"Merlin!" he called again.

When the warlock once again failed to answer, Gaius walked over to the door of Merlin's bedroom.

"Merlin?" he repeated, suddenly feeling apprehensive.

Cautiously, the physician opened the door. He immediately froze at the sight that awaited him.

XXX

When Merlin slowly opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Gaius, who was sitting beside him with his face buried in his hands.

"Gaius…?" he said weakly.

The physician looked up quickly. Before Merlin could even think, Gaius had already wrapped him in a tight hug.

"Merlin, my boy…," he trailed off.

"I'm sorry!" Merlin sobbed. "Gaius, I couldn't stop!"

"It's okay, Merlin," Gaius comforted. "It's going to be okay."

XXX

Merlin set down Arthur's breakfast.

"Merlin, get the horses ready," the prince ordered. "We're going hunting."

"We went hunting two days ago," Merlin complained.

"Well, we're going hunting again," Arthur told him.

Merlin sighed.

XXX

As the pair rode through the forest, the prince watched his manservant. Gaius had told him to keep an eye on Merlin, but had refused to tell him the reason. He couldn't figure it out. Nothing seemed different about Merlin lately, and he didn't appear to be injured. Why did Gaius seem so worried about him?

XXX

"Gaius, why won't you tell me what's wrong with him?" Arthur asked.

"It's not my place to tell you, Sire," Gaius told him.

"He isn't going to die, is he?" Arthur questioned, hiding his worry.

"He isn't sick, Sire," Gaius said.

"That doesn't answer my question, Gaius," Arthur pointed out.

"I'm not sure, Sire. It's a bit complicated," Gaius explained vaguely. "I'm doing all I can, and hopefully that will be enough."

"I don't get it. He's not sick, but he might die," Arthur said. "Is he injured? Is someone trying to kill him for some reason?"

"Merlin will tell you when the time comes," Gaius answered.

XXX

As the months passed, Arthur still failed to notice any difference in Merlin's behavior. However, Gaius's worry seemed to slowly dissipate, so Arthur assumed that, whatever the problem was, it was resolved.

XXX

Arthur had been crowned king of Camelot. On one of the hunting trips with Merlin and the knights, Merlin was washing the dishes, just as he always did. When the warlock was almost done, Arthur went over to him. He sat down as Merlin was washing the last dish, with his sleeves rolled up. Just as Arthur was about to start their typical playful bickering, he saw what was on Merlin's arms.

"What the hell are those?!" he exclaimed.

Merlin jumped before realizing that Arthur could see his scars. His eyes widened. Arthur grabbed his arm to investigate the scars. As he did so, the knights went over as well, since they had heard Arthur yell.

"They're nothing, Sire," Merlin explained. "Just some old wounds."

Once they had gotten close enough, the knights saw the marks on Merlin's arm as well. Gwaine, who almost immediately realized what the scars were, gasped.

Merlin, mate are you okay?" he asked.

"Of course. They healed years ago," Merlin replied.

Lancelot quickly pulled Merlin into a hug.

"Whoa, what's up with you guys?" Merlin asked.

"We can tell what they are, Merlin," Lancelot whispered.

"Seriously, guys, I'm okay," Merlin told them. "They really are old now."

Everyone looked at Merlin, and, after seeing the look in his eyes, realized that Merlin wasn't comfortable talking about it. The remaining knights patted him on the shoulder before bringing the warlock back to their camp.

"So, who wants to hear one of my tavern tales?" Gwaine asked in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Merlin's face broke into a wide grin.

"You still have more?" he questioned.

"Of course!" Gwaine replied jovially.

XXX

 _And that's the end. I actually had Merlin get better in this one instead of dying…_

 _Well, thanks for reading! Squirrel out!_


End file.
